just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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