You made me cry and you don't even care
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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