you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
