my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
