i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
