I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
