Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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