her vagina looked like bernie madoff
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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