At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
