he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
