didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
