And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
