awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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