Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
