Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
