even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I need a beard to bite.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
