Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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