you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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