stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
