I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
