I puked a lego.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
