just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
