Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
