I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i will never coherently bang her
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
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