Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
