Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
