She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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