He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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