When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize