Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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