you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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