I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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