im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
