ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
