I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize