and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
