Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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