i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
