Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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