He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
