You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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