I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
