i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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