halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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