You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
