Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
