I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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