Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
