I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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