The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i came on her dog
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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