Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
