At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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