The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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