got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
