you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
