I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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