Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize