Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
