You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
